Miss Sakaki in Wonderland
by Zalrus IX
Summary: Miss Sakaki falls down the rabbit hole and a lot of hilarity ensues. This story is now almost three years old, and the new chapters may have a different tone, but still, I wanted to retain as much of the original humor as possible. Review!
1. The Arrival in Wonderland



A Fanfic by zalrus9

Based of the timely classic of Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

In the depths of the vacumus void of space, there was a universe. And in that universe, a collection of millions and billions of galaxies was one galaxy, the Milky Way. And in that swirl of trillions of stars was one, a yellow one that the sentients in that system called the sun was beating down on a certain classroom in a certain country on a certain third planet from that ball of ever-blazing gas. That made Sakaki feel small, a feeling that she had rarely felt as she sat at her desk as her teacher, who was now writing incoherent things on the blackboard, at least the heat was more interesting than that, or was her brain frying up? The heat was so sapping to her attention that all else seemed a blurring void and then…

"Oh my gosh, I'm going to be so late!"

The abrupt blast of auditory force woke Sakaki up from her deep reverie (or was it sleep? She didn't know.) She saw that the classroom was empty, but for one little girl that Sakaki recognized without conscious thought was Chiyo-Chan, the girl prodigy, who had probably had uttered the thing that woke Sakaki up in the first place. But this was not the Chiyo Sakai knew, she was a little bit shorter, looking almost like a chibi, and instead of having pigtails on her head there were two brown rabbit-ears.

"She'll kill me if I'm late again, oh dear oh dear." the (rabbit?) Chiyo then noticed Sakaki and as if she had not known her, she gave a small shriek of fright and dashed out of the room. This might not be very surprising, because Sakaki was rather scary looking. At 174 cm, she towered over most women, and men for that matter (In Japan, that is.) and gave of a radiance of coolness, but Chiyo knew Sakaki better: Sakaki was as cute on the inside as herself: the whole thing seemed rather weird but Sakaki didn't worry about such matters and was already in hot pursuit of the rabbit-Chiyo, which was no easy task because she was very uncharacteristically fast. Eventually, at the end of the hall there was a small door that Sakaki didn't even remember being there before, and went in. Sakai followed not long after, but it was a tight fit: she had to crouch on her hands and knees to get through. It was also a tight fit inside the hall, and about 7 meters foreword of the door, the ground seemed to disappear.

She was falling, no, floating down through a series of randomness that made the Beatles's "Revolution 9" seem like a church hymn. Things became shifting out of phase and Sakaki wondered that she might be warping to another dimension. _I wonder if cats would like me there _she wondered to herself, as she had a sort of unfulfilled fetish of such mammals. But as that thought drifted through the depths of Miss Sakaki's mind, it was cut short as she fell violently into an overstuffed, bizarre chair at the end of a much larger hall. The hall eventually tapered out into a circular room with a sole door that someone, with rabbit ears, was going through. Know who that might be, she quickly got out of the bizarre chair-thing and raced to the door, which was less than a meter high and had a handle resembling her rather perverted classical lit teacher. As she opened it, a muffled voice said from the door handle said "That won't work, you know, I'm locked, you see." apparently the door with the face of Mr.Kimura could talk, and in his voice, too, as if he couldn't keep his pervert-power in his own body.

"Then… How do I get in?" Sakaki asked.

"Well, you could try that bottle on the table." the door said.

"What…?

"Behind you!"

Sakaki looked behind her, and then a table inexplicitly appeared out of nowhere, with an unmarked bottle with red liquid in it that also had a paper on it. That paper said "DRINK ME" in nice, friendly, black letters, which made Sakaki quite apprehensive about drinking it. Besides, wasn't the door locked?

"Um, didn't you say you were locked?"

"No I didn't!" said the Kimura-door, "I said you were too big to enter. You must drink that bottle to become smaller and fit through the door." So, without further ado, Sakaki drank the bottle of red liquid She rather thought it tasted like tamarack tea, but also something that reminded her of, cats? She didn't have any more time to think, though as she was now feeling a sensation of being in an elevator that was going a bit too fast. She also saw the floor slowly coming toward her and realized the Kimura-door was right; she was indeed shrinking. Eventually, she stopped and was about seven decimeters tall, just the size of the door.

"Okay," said Sakaki, getting used to the seemingly increased altitude of the room. "Can I go through the door now?"

"Whoops," Said the Kimura-door, looking very sheepish. "I forgot! You have to put on the special costume to get in as well, over there." He jerked his head (knob?) toward a now very large hybrid of a swimsuit and a high school girl's uniform. If Sakaki was the right height, she would have fit perfectly, but now it could be used as a marquee now.

"Um, they're kind of too big." said Sakaki.

"Oh, that's right. Here those will do the trick." The Kimura-door jerked his head toward another strange thing, in this case a box of chocolate chip cookies with the chips spelling "EAT ME" on all of them.

Well, thought Sakaki, if they make me larger, then I can get the costume on, and if it makes me go smaller, I can crawl through the door. So, she took a bite out of one. She chewed on it, admiring the soft texture and the uncannily similar taste to the liquid she drank earlier, and then she got a feeling. A feeling that she was growing. She kept having that felling when she hit her head on the ceiling, which was three meters or so off the ground. This new height was exceedingly uncomfortable, as she couldn't sit down because a lot of furniture was suddenly in the way

"Wow…… so…… big." The Kimura-door ejaculated, the nose on the doorknob bleeding freely. Sakaki was unable to get out of it, and, seeing as there was nothing else to do, she cried. Her tears were as big as hailstones and were magically flooding the room

"Help glub! Help glub!" cried the Kimura-door incoherently, spewing up salt water. "Ird betur dor tibs nobu." and he opened his already gaping mouth, and an eerie red light infused Sakaki, and she drifted into utter void.

As Sakaki was drifting through an inexplicable void, she had had some time to think. Where in the heck and God Almighty was this place? This had taken her a while, as the void drifted on forever. She thought of it almost exclusively in fact, thinking up Strange and Imaginative things that could Never be told in a low budget short story if anybody ever made one, and was some where completely different. She was on what looked like an English country dirt road, with rolling plains on either side of the dirt road and the afternoon sun shining weakly on what looked like the cutest little cottage Sakaki have ever seen (she was also the same height now, or was she?). If only there were cats here, Sakaki began to think, but the thought was shattered by a Chiyo-sounding voice coming from the door of the house.

"Oh, the queen's going to kill me! Where are those things, oh!" she had just noticed Sakaki on the road and the Chiyo-rabbit that Sakaki had seen earlier came up to her with an un-Chiyolike scowl.

"Mary Ann, where have you been? Go into the house this instant and get me my white gloves and fan!" And she nudged Sakaki in her home. It was nice and homely, like people would think a rural English house would look like.

"And don't come back until you've found them!" the Chiyo-rabbit said, and slammed the door as she left the house. Sakaki stood there, shocked. When did Chiyo-chan own a house all by her self? Oh, well, she thought, and left that out of her conscious. The room she was standing in had a nice big table, and on that table were three pairs of brilliantly glowing white gloves and a glowing gold fan. Wow, Sakaki thought, those must be priceless, or even more expensive. She might have wanted to touch them, but she was again distracted by the same bottle of liquid, but with no "DRINK ME" on the label, instead there was a picture of Neco Coneco on it. The sight of that liquid somehow drew everything else out of her mind. She was really compelled to drink it. And so she did. Every last drop. Then she realized that she had stuff to look for. Was it Grass, Cats, or things that go "fan" in the night? She would have kept on thinking if she hadn't come in close contact with the ceiling just then. Or had her arm painfully crammed in the window. When all was said and done and she felt like she was crammed inside a small wooden box, she noticed that she just grew a few feet. Or more.


	2. The House of Fools

Meanwhile, the Chiyo-rabbit was getting impatient outside. It was probably because it was taking Sakaki a little too long to get Chiyo's hat in gloves. Finally, as the prodigy rabbit's patience and clock could not take it any more, the pigtailed rodent opened the door. Or tried to anyway, as the door was being blocked by Sakaki's overlarge foot.

"Oh, it won't open!" Chiyo cried in dismay, but at a sudden flash of inspiration, she said. "I know! I'll try the back window!" and she turned the corner to the side of the house where there was a greenhouse and the back window, except the back window was being filled with an enormous extremity. Seeing this large limb, Chiyo panicked. She kept on panicking until her body found contact with the greenhouse and it broke showering Chiyo with cucumbers and glass. "Pat! Pat! Where are you?" Chiyo yelled.

"Wha' is it?" said Pat, who was possibly the Gardner, who was also walking from the other greenhouse holding tow cucumbers, one in each hand. She was rather taller than Chiyo and had neck-length brown hair and a spacey expression and was clad in green. If Sakaki had seen her (she couldn't now, she could only hear what the entities outside were saying) she would have recognized Pat to actually be Osaka (real name Ayamu Kasuga), the space-cadet classmate of Sakaki.

"Why are we growing cucumbers Pat?" Asked Chiyo, getting up and wiping the squashed cucumber off her school uniform.

"'Cause they keep kappas away." Said Pat in a spacey voice.

"No they don't! Kappas are attracted to cucumbers! Anyway I have a problem: could you tell me what that is in the window?"

"Hmm...let me see." Pat looked at the arm for a few minutes and said finally. "Tha's an arm."

"Preposterous! Who's seen an arm that size!"

"Well, it's still an arm."

"Okay, how do we get rid of it? It has no business being in my window."

"Hmmm..." Pat thought again for a while, and again said. "It's an arm."

"I know that! Oh, you're useless Pat! I'll get Bill." so she did. Bill was also a girl, clad in green as well, but had a lizard tale sticking out of her back. She had the exact resemblance to Kaorin Aida, another of Sakaki's classmates, who was a strong fan of Sakaki's to the border of Shujo. Though it was clear the lesbian schoolgirl was not much in her, but she did have the same enthusiasm as she was in the real world though... She ran very quickly to the Chiyo-rabbit and tripped over a rock and hit her furry boss. The rabbit fell again in the already-broken greenhouse.

"Oh, you soiled my skirt." despaired the Chiyo-rabbit. "Honestly, you don't need to run and knock people over!"

"S-s-sorry, ma'am!" Bill stammered "I-I-It's just that I want to come here quickly to serve you."

"Well, just don't run into people next time. Anyways, I'm not here to tell you how to behave; I have a problem that needs sorting out."

"Wow! Y-Y-You want me to solve a problem for you?" it sounded as if millions of choir people were singing in Bill's mind at that moment as she beamed at the sky as if thanking her good fortune. "Y-Y-Yes! Of course! What do you want me to do?"

"She's locked out and an arm is out her window," interrupted Pat, coming out a mysteriously deep reverie. "Now if we could use cucumbers to lure the arm out..."

"Don't listen to her just get a ladder, climb in through the chimney and see who's in the house." interjected the Chiyo-rabbit. "I can't get through the door.

"Yes ma'am," replied Bill, and immediately, lovingly, went in the big greenhouse and got a big eight foot (according to the scale of wherever they are) ladder. She then proceeded to lean the ladder on the side of the house. "I would follow you to the ends of the earth, Chyo-sama. I won't fail you this time." and began to climb up.

While the wonderful dialogue between the Chyo-rabbit and her underlings were playing out each other, with sometimes hilarious results, Sakaki was Stuck in a Tight Place, with no Hope of Dislodgement. As she was stuck, she realized that she was in the same predicament as before in the room of the Kimura-door. She had of course gotten out of that sticky pickle by crying and letting the door handle the rest. I won't let that happen again, Sakaki resolved; I won't break down and cry when something bad happens to me or other people. If those people with likeness to my classmates want to come in there, so be it. There is always a chance they might help me. All of a sudden she heard a creak on the ceiling and she felt some sawdust tickle her nose. The creaks seem to go nearer the fireplace; apparently Bill was attempting to go out through the chimney.

"Here I goooooooooo..." yelled a voice above Sakai's left foot. Oh curses! Her foot was lodged firmly in the fireplace. If she didn't get it out quickly, then Bill would not be able to get in! This was indeed a Dire Situation. She Tried in Vain to try and dislodge the foot that was about the size of a child's sled at this point. out of the fireplace but then heard and "Ow!" followed by a Popping noise and a long wail as poor Bill flew unwilling into the sky.


	3. Mushrooms!

After Bill had fallen into the larger greenhouse nest to Chiyo's house, Pat and the rabbit rushed over to revive her.

"Here pat. It's some brandy." said the Chiyo-rabbit

"Thanks." said Pat, downing the alcoholic beverage in one gulp.

"That wasn't for you!" exclaimed the long-eared rodent, whacking her on the head.

"'M sorry!" moaned Pat, stroking her head.

"Never mind, she's coming to now," and indeed she was, Bill opened her eyes and then were welling in tears "I-I'm sorry Chiyo-sama. I have failed you." And then Bill closed her eyes, and her body went limp.

"Is, is she dead?" asked Pat very quietly

"No, she's just fainted." said the Chiyo-rabbit, checking Bill's pulse. "No matter, I think that we must do what we must do."

"What's that?"

"We must BURN DOWN THE HOUSE!"

"Right." said Pat pulling out a bunch of mushrooms and a pack of matches from her pockets of her pants.

"Good." said the Chiyo-rabbit taking some mushrooms and matches, lit them (Hey, ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN okay?) and threw it into the house. Pat did likewise, and soon the house of Chiyo M. S. N. Rabbit Esq. was enveloped in Purple, Blue and Pink Smoke.

After a short thrust into a Technicolor Paradise, Sakaki found herself inside a cavernous room, about 40 or 50 meters high, and it looked just like the room she was just in, or it was, but much bigger. The only logical (?) reason was that she had somehow shrunk. Realizing this, she decided that the best thing to do was to find out what makes things shrink or grow. She did sort of notice the mushrooms and then surmised that the best thing to do was to find mushrooms. So she found a way to get through the house, by a crack through the door. It took a long time, because of her diminished stature, but there were no interruptions, until she got out and found Pat was still there and had to run pretty fast to avoid her now large boots and not become a red spot on the grass. Luckily Pat didn't seem to move as fast as she could have been, being painfully spacey, so she got to the safety of the grass. Good, she thought, I'll need to find some mushrooms. So she walked for some time and finally found a large mushroom (Her scale) and perched on top of that mushroom was a caterpillar. It was a strange caterpillar, it had a tail-like body that was segmented in legs and on that tail, like a cobra hood, was the body of the Chiyo-dad! That cat-like creature had been haunting her dreams ever since the new years before; it was yellow, with a sort of ovoid-ish shape and had many arms that looked like tentacles. This creature was also smoking a hookah, blowing a bunch of multicolored steam out of its feline mouth.

"Excuse me, sir?" she said. The creature seemed to come out of a deem reverie and looked at her with a sort of stoned expression (Well what do you expect? He was smoking a hookah!) and said, in a deep, commanding voice that wavered on the pale of insanity. "Who are you?"

"Why, don't you know?" asked Sakaki. in her dreams, the big yellow cat knew her well and even invited her to have dinner at Chiyo-Chan's house, with red things (different story, funny as it is).

"No, I don't" said the Caterpillar "Explain yourself."

"Well, who are you then?"

"I asked you first."

"Well," said Sakaki, wondering who she really was. So far, the only person who had said her name was the person writing the story about her, who didn't exist at that moment, so she was pretty confused. Just who was she? Surly Sakaki wouldn't change sizes every half-hour. So, she must not be Sakaki. Or was she? "I don't know; I've changed so many times so I can't find myself again. Nobody seems to know who I am either, and I've known them for a long time."

"Well." Repeated the Caterpillar, taking a long puff from his hookah. "It seems to me that the best thing is for you to cut off your hair and join a convent."

"What?"

"What?"

"How would that help me?"

"How would what help you? Who are you?" This conversation was getting nowhere really fast, So Sakaki thought she'd cut to the chase.

"Do you know how I can change from one size to another? I keep seeing flashes of smoke and color and drink strange things and keep changing sizes. It's simply not supposed to happen."

"WHAT?" shouted the Caterpillar, dropping the mouthpiece of his hookah, his yellow skin not turning blue to red to purple to... a few colors yet to be thought up. "It happens all the time to me! It always happens!"

"I-I'm sorry... I didn't mean to make you angry-"

"Angry! Me? Never! I just am going to change into a butterfly right-" And the Caterpillar sort of exploded and then suddenly stopped being a caterpillar. He was a butterfly! "One side will make you bigger; the other side will make you smaller." He said in a voice that sounded very divine and other-worldly.

"The side of what?"

"The Mushroom!" and with a popping sound the Butterfly disappeared, leaving Sakaki, the mushroom, and the hookah to do Wild and Amazing Things.

"Hmm, One side will make me bigger," Sakaki pulled the bottom of one side of the mushroom. "And one will make me smaller." She pulled off another part of the bottom of the mushroom, but on the other side. Thinking that she had a two to one against probability, she chose the right one and ate off a bit of it.


	4. A Very Silly Tea Party

(First off,(I'm sorry I should have done this in the beginning but I'll do it now, oh I hope you aren't too angry) I do not Own Azumanga Doih or Alice and Wonderland, or mushrooms, or Eric Idle, or Ann-Haden Jones and her husband Pip. Thank you and don't crucify me.)

A funny feeling coursed through Sakaki's body as she ate her fungal comestible. It was the same feeling that she felt when she ate the cookie, or the drink, or anything that made her grow in the last half hour. She felt the sensation of growing once more and she grew until her head was at the top of the trees that were there above the grass. Of course, that meant that Sakaki was too big and so she took a litter bite from the other bit of mushroom that was still in and had magically grown to her scale, so then she shrank, but her view was that of a very vertically deprived individual, so she took a small bite of the other one, but then she was then too big, but less big then she was before. This "size-changing orgy", shall we say, for lack of a more silly word, went on for a few minutes until she was finally the right height that she wanted: 1.6 meters. Looking in her right perspective, she was in a forest, with cleanly-cut grass on the bottom of it, in the curious shape of checkerboard tiles. It also appeared that she was in a crossroads of some kind: four roads leading to unknown places. Before she could get another thought on that matter, she saw a grey shape appear on the lowest branch of one of the trees. Looking closely, she found the feline features and sharp teeth of the Kamineko, the Biting Cat!

"It's that cat that always bites me on my way to school!" she blurted out.

"What me?" said the cat in a very Eric-Idle (Monty Python)-esque voice "I never bite no one! Okay, I do take nips at people who bait me, but that's it. I surely-"

"You're the Kamineko!" said Sakaki.

"No, I'm not!" said the Kaminecko as if Sakai was accusing him of something. "I'm the Cheshire Cat!"

"Who?"

"You know, The Cheshire Cat! I can do things like this" and he grinned a toothy grin and disappeared, reappearing on another branch.

"Well," said Sakaki, taken aback by this teleporting cat "Do you know where I should go?"

"That depends on where you want to get to. To the right oh here" he pointed to the right of him with his paw. "You will find a house that houses a hatter, who makes hats and is a loony. To the left," He pointed with his paw to the left. "Resides a March Hare. She is a part-time gynecologist and is also a loony."

"But I don't want to be with loonies..."

"Don't want to be with loonies?" The Cheshire Cat laughed a very meow-ing laugh "That's silly. We're all loonies. I mean you must be a loony to come here or to be a part of such a loony anime show."

"What?"

"Oh, never mind. Just go to the Mad Hatter's. She'll probably have the March Hare and the Dormouse over for afternoon tea. They always do." So Sakaki took the path to the right. About five minutes in to this bizarre trek, she heard a few very familiar voices laughing and making a ruckus.

"Hey, Dormie how's the weather down there? are you growing strawberries down there? I just love strawberries, don't you?" said an all-too-familiar voice of Tomo Takino, the wildcat high school girl.

"I'll bet she's hogging them." replied the voice of Kagura, the all-out-competitive-sports-girl. As Sakaki turned the corner she saw the source of the eccentric interaction. It was a table, big enough to hold the entire Geneva Convention and still have room for Ann Hayden-Jones and her husband Pip. On this immense Elevated Place to put Things Thereon were an equally large amount of tea-things, with tea-cakes and giant teapots and assorted pastries and "red things" and the list goes on and on and on and on, rather like this sentence all in various stages of Being Eaten. At a very secluded part of this Teatime Feast were three people. One, looking very hyper and happy and whatever-you-want-to-describe-a-high-school-girl-oh-why-do-I-do-this was Tomo Takino wearing a plaid suit and wearing a hat with a piece of paper attached to the side that said "IN THIS STYLE 10/6". Sitting next to Tomo (or the Mad Hatter, because she was) was Osaka again, but much smaller (about .5 meters) and wearing mouse ears, sitting and sleeping and smiling to herself and drooling slightly. Sitting nest to the slumbering rodent-person was the form of Kagura (Hereafter the March Hare); also wearing a suit but she had long rabbit ears, sticking out of her head on the top, twisted at odd angles. All three, except the Dormouse (Osaka), were making violent hand gestures about and towards each other.

"Disgusting, isn't it?" said a voice near Sakaki's shoulder that quite took her out of her observative mood of the tea party. Looking over her shoulder and all other compass directions she could not find the perpetrator. Luckily for her, the Cheshire Cat found (who was the one who said something) her first, continuing. "But let's go anyway; it'll most likely be bally funny." And they did. As they got closer to the table, the three loonies sitting (well, actually now the Mad Hatter and the March Hare were standing on it and were swinging the dormouse around and singing "Auntie's Wooden Leg" but they were at the table so there!) realized they were there, froze for a little, swiftly flung the Dormouse into one of the chairs and ran in front Sakaki and the Cheshire Cat with their hands out and yelling "NO ROOM! THERE'S NO ROOM! LEAVE!"

"There's plenty of room, ya tits!" said the Cheshire Cat severely. the Hare and the Hatter stopped and the Hare said to the Hatter "It is? Why didn't you report this sooner Hattie?"

"I think I was too busy swinging Dormie and singing My hit song "Auntie's Wooden Leg" with you."

"Oh yeah, that was awesome!" said Hare.

"Let's do it again, then." said Hatter. But Hare suddenly remembered that two people were trying to attend their Tea Party said so to Hatter and Hatter agreed so eventually they sat down at the same side of the table; Sakaki (With the Cheshire Cat on her shoulder), the Mad Hatter, the Dormouse, and the March Hare respectively at one side of the outsized table. After they had sat down the Hatter said in her annoying way "Have some wine!"

"Really! There's wine!" asked the Cheshire Cat excitedly.

"No there isn't!" said the Hare

"There's treacle though, and melon bread." murmured the Dormouse in her sleep.

"Why do you say things are there when their not, you long-haired fairy!" said the Cheshire Cat in huff, looking very disappointed.

"I don't know, I thought we did..." said the Hatter looking very sheepish (though anyone would if they were called a long-haired fairy by a cat) "didn't we?"

"No we didn't!" said the Hare.

"But," stammered the hatter thinking of something "I thought that we had red stuff..." seeing that there was no way to explain the problem at hand, she decided to change the subject to a riddle. "Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

"Hmm," said Sakaki thinking of the possible ways "raven" could be like "writing desk" "I could possibly figure this out." she accidentally said aloud.

"You mean you know the answer?" asked the Hatter very obnoxiously.

"Uh, no." said Sakaki, a little taken aback.

"Then you should say what you mean."

"Um, I do." Thinking a little, Sakaki added "At least, I mean what I say, which is the same thing. Isn't it?"

"Wrong!" yelled the Hatter, making a pose in such a way as to force the Dormouse's head come into contact with a plate full of tomatoes. "You might as well say 'I see what I eat' is the same thing as 'I eat what I see'."

"Or you might as well say 'I like what I get' is same thing as 'I get what I like'." added Kagura, making another pose that made the Dormouse fall back into the plate of tomatoes again.

"Well you might as well say," said the Dormouse, sleepily wiping off the tomato pulp off her face. "'I breathe while I sleep' is the same thing as 'I sleep while I breathe." and then she dozed off.

"It is the same with you, anyway." said the Mad Hatter to the sleeping form of the Dormouse, then adding to Sakaki. "You should get your hair cut." Sakaki was deeply surprised and was about say something but the Cheshire Cat said. "Oh, shut up. Personal remarks are very rude."

"Really? I should write down a note, then." said the Mad Hatter obnoxiously.

"How are you doing on that riddle?" asked the March Hare in such a way as to avoid a possible fight.

"I...don't know." said Sakaki. "what is the answer?"

"No Idea." said the Mad Hatter bluntly. "What about you?" She asked the March Hare.

"I forgot." replied the March Hare.

"Well, how about you spend your time doing something important rather than wasting it making silly riddles that you don't know!" said the Cheshire Cat irritable, but more angry than irritable.

"Well," said the Mad Hatter, not very fazed by the Cheshire's snub. "If you knew time like I did, you wouldn't call time 'it'. Time is a 'him'. We met during the Great War and were friends, until something happened and Time stopped working for us and that's why we are always having tea. Oh, and that reminds me." She raised her voice very loud. "CLEAN CUPS!"


	5. Oh Knows! A Fight

Bedlam ensued. The Mad Hatter took Sakaki's hand and moved her to another part of the table at astounding speed. There were yells and calls and shrieks and meows and cries of "What's all this then?" and other things like that until at Long Last, all four of the individuals were at the other side of the table.

"Do you want some more tea?" asked the March Hare.

"Well, I haven't gotten any," said Sakaki. "So I can't have any more..."

"WRONG AGAIN!" yelled the Mad Hatter obnoxiously again, and gave Sakaki a very oversized cup of tea. "You must mean that you simply can/t have any _less_. It's very easy to have more than nothing, especially if you're poor." Sakaki looked at her cup and realized tat it was empty. "Umm," she started to say but the Mad Hatter cut her off.

"Tell us a story." the Hatter said.

"But I don't know any..."

"Right! Then Dormie will." said the March Hare and her and the Hatter started hitting the dormouse repeatedly over the head with a cane with a head looking not unlike a teapot. Eventually, the Dormouse woke up and said sleepily. "I herd everything you said. I'm 'sleep again..." and then she fell back to sleep. However, the Mad Hatter was ready to whack her very hard and did when the Dormouse was about to fall asleep once more.

"Ow!" squeak-drawled the Dormouse, rubbing her head. "Tha' was mean!"

"Tell us a story, Dormie!" said the Hatter energetically. "But do it quickly or you'll go asleep again."

"'Kay," said the Dormouse and she took a deep breath and said in a voice that seemed that she was sped up about three times than normal. "OnceaponatimetherweretwosistersElsieLasieandTillyandtheylivedinthebottomofa-" but before she could finish a sound of heralding music suddenly sounded and the Dormouse was blown off her feet and fell onto the ground, winded. Sakaki looked to see the cause of this blare and found it to be a man, who was in a Boy's school uniform with a face that was vaguely fishlike. He was wearing a monocle and carrying a large scroll and two guards flanked him. These were very tall, about 2.5 meters, and had flat, rectangular bodies, which in conjunction with the emblems of hearts on there bodies, made them look like playing cards. But what were really interesting were their faces, for they were the same as Sakaki's but a little bit bigger. The Fish High School Student (FHSS for short) unrolled his scroll and addressed to the startled entourage at the other side of the table.

"I have and invitation for the madams M. C. Hatter, M. C. Hare and T. F. Dormouse to attend her majesty the Queen of Hearts to a game of croquet."

The Mad Hatter suddenly tensed up and took out her cane with the teapot on the end and rushed toward the FHSS yelling. "NEVER!". The FHSS tried to run away, but was caught in the fury of the Mad Hatter's. After a few minutes of bashing the FHSS over the head with her cane, she was then met by a diversion which was the two card-ish guards who swung at the Mad Hatter with their huge Ruby-Encrusted-Axe-Thingies-of-Doom™. As it looked like the Mad Hatter was going to be smashed and sliced senseless, as she could not hit those monstrous guards, there was a loud BANG and one of the guards doubled over, a huge, gaping hole in its chest. Looking for the perpetrator of the discharge that killed its comrade, the guard saw the Dormouse, who had a smoking blunderbuss (precursor of the shotgun and the ultimate weapon in American McGee's Alice™), looking downright enormous in the Dormouse's paws.

"Get them!" said the FHSS, who had some nasty bruises and lumps on his face and had lost some teeth from the Mad Hatter's onslaught, pointing towards the four individuals at the table.

"Shut up!" yelled the Mad Hatter as she hit him over the head one last time and the FHSS's head slumped to the floor and didn't move anymore. Meanwhile, the March Hare got out a large club from her suit and stared attempting to pound the card-ish guard, who subsequently attempted to chop the march Hare into tiny, bloody pieces of wabbit (insert Elmer Fudd laugh here). The Dormouse reloaded for another shot from her blunderbuss, but realized that she shouldn't fire because two of the combatants were her friends. However, the combined efforts of Hatter and Hare overcame the efforts of Guard and had it pinned on the ground (if you're having trouble with envisioning this fight sequence or indeed any sequence in the rest of this story, just listen to some hardcore rock and envision it again.) they thought that they won, until the unconscious FHSS was suddenly not and he took out a gun and fired it up into the air. As soon as you could say "Eric Robinson", there were about fifty Card-ish guards coming out from the bushes in the woods and were closing in fast

"I guess you will be attending the game after all," said the FHSS with a slight sneer. "IN JAIL!"

"Well, I'm out of here, mate." said the Cheshire Cat. "You'd better do the same, that Queen's a real trollop." and disappeared. Knowing that she must do something as she had done nothing the past few pages, she stared to bolt out the other end of the forest. Luckily, the Car-ish guards were too preoccupied to care about her running past them. She just kept running, running like her life depended on it, (And it did). After a few moments of running rather quickly, Sakaki finally collapsed from exhaustion in an open field. There was still the chessboard-pattern on the ground, however. As she was about to get up from the ground, she heard a whinny and, lo and behold, there was a red horse, and on that red horse was a man clad in red armor. The armor that was worn by this man was very spiky and the helmet looked not unlike a horse's head.

"Stand back!" said the armor-clad individual (Henceforth called the Red Knight) and drawing a nasty looking sword, with lots of holes and spikes and other nasty things. "You are my prisoner."

"That may be," said another voice. "But I will rescue her!"

Another figure appeared, instead a white horse, and on that white horse was a man clad in white armor, and had a clean (sans the bells and whistles) sword drawn. And then the two combatants charged towards each other to bloody combat.


	6. The MKLWK and the plot that he brings

Like two of those majestic knights of Good and Evil in the Days of Yore, the Red Knight and the White Knight fought with much vigor and bloodshed, without the bloodshed, as they had too much armor to get bloodied up but the swords, but they did clash swords with astounding speed, but one of them never got the better of each other, until the White Knight hit on one of the fork-esque edges of the Red Knight. However, the White reacted quickly to this dilemma and quickly ripped the Red Knight's sword out of the grip. Unfortunately, the White Knight's sword was also flown out of his grip, as he slipped hand-wise, so in short, both of the fighting armored people were unarmed after that little maneuver. Realizing this, they both jumped off their horses, and into a wallow of mud, which was were the swords fell, but they got stuck headfirst as well. Knowing that this fight had lost momentum, they got out of the mud and cleaned off and chatted to themselves.

"That was an excellent fight" said the Red Knight

"You as well. Excellent speed, sir." replied the White Knight. "Shall we do this another day?"

"That would be excellent. Is Friday good for you?"

"Indubitably. See you then." and without any more silly unimportant dialogue, the Red Knight got back on his horse and rode off into the deeper woods. Seeing Sakaki staring at his horse, the White Knight (or WN for short) asked. "I see you're looking at my horse."

"Oh, no sir." said Sakaki, suddenly looking away from the horse, as she was looking at it.

"Oh, not to worry. I don't mind you looking at my equine transportation device. I keep good care of my horse, you'll notice I put a mousetrap on him, so mice won't get on him, and that would be bas, as my horse is afraid of mice. Oh, dear. Will you help me take off my helmet, I feel rather stuffy in It." and, being the helpful person that Sakaki was, Sakaki helped the White Knight, but as she took it off, she noticed with immense horror that the head under the helmet was none other that the gaping maw and opaque glasses and all-around creepy-looking of Mr. Kimura!

"Oh God No!" interjected Sakaki and started to run away while the Mr.Kimura-likenessed-White Knight (for short, MKLWK (pronounced Michealwick)) shouted. "Hey! Wait! Wait! Wait, Alice!" and at that last interjection she stopped in her tracks as she finally realized what was going on. The rabbit, the door, the house, the stoned caterpillar, the mad tea party and the white knight suddenly all made sense. But there was something missing...

"Why did you call me Alice?" said Sakaki in a very dazed and desperate voice.

"Because you look like her. See?" MKLWK said as he pulled out a picture of a girl who had long blonde hair and light blue eyes, looking almost like Sakaki but with a different hair color, like if she was born with the "blonde hair" phenotype, but she didn't as she was born in Japan where most people have black or brown hair (and sometimes blue, pink, purple, or orange, but that's beside the point and this particular series).

"I do not look like her."

"Ahh, but you do. Look here." MKLWK said as she lifted a mirror that came out of his bag that was upside down on his horse and held it up to Sakaki's face, and, lo and behold, she found if her hair had been changed from black to purest blonde, and also she noticed that her outfit had changed as well, instead of her school-appointed summer uniform, it had changed to a blue and white petticoat, almost like the one worn by...

"Alice." said Sakaki to no one in particular, and then she realized what she said, also realized what that might imply, and how she will ever get home and instantly went to that one human defense against things like this: Denial.

"It's Not True!" said Sakaki as she collapsed to the ground shivering "You're lying!"

"No I don't think so," said MKLWK and added reassuringly. "But look on the bright side: If Nazis attack wonderland you won't go to a concentration camp, unless you're Jewish..." seeing that that didn't help Sakaki's grief, he added. "Well, you shouldn't feel so down, all you have to do is meeting with the Queen of Hearts, and go back to wherever we come from. Which is...?"

"Japan."

"Ah, so you aren't Jewish."

"What"

"Oh, never mind. Well, if you want to get to the Queen, you should first follow into the forest until you meet to sisters, Tweedledee and Tweedledum, or Dum and Dee as they call themselves, and them you will enter a great labyrinth of hedges, where you should have time to meet the Mock Turtle and his wife the Griffon, very interesting couple, and then you will see the Queen's croquet grounds, no it is most advantageous to let her win or else...OMFG my horse! Come back!" the horse of MKLWK was leaving without his rider and his rider chased the horse yelling to Alice...er, Sakaki "Just be brave and you'll get back to your non-Nazi-infested Japan!" leaving Sakaki who then proceeded to go deeper into the woods and to Dum and Dee, wondering who they could look like.


	7. Tweedle: the Sleeping

サカキさんはヲンダランドの中にあります。

Miss Sakaki in Wonderland. Part Seven

Author's Notes and Preface: Well, it's been a long time. Almost two years, in fact. Actually, it has been more than that. And that was two years too long. I have finally started this again, so those who have like this will celebrate, and those not will groan with sorrow. But no matter, for I am back! So, let's see… where was I? Oh, yes!

Sakaki was in the woods for quite a while. This gave her a very good opportunity to check out the local flora and fauna, which was quite interesting, as wonderland flora and fauna is wont to be. She saw many amalgamations of common animals and appliances, like a dog, but instead of a beard, instead there were broom bristles, and birds with toasters for wings, and even flying toasters, who soared on white angel fluttering appendages with their theme song playing loud and clear from nowhere that Sakaki could figure, but was nevertheless very loud and very clear. Sure, Thomas Hobbes and Renee Descartes would say that they were examples of the limits of human imagination, but Sakaki neither knew or cared of the opinions of enlightenment thinkers of western culture.

After what seemed like a really long twelve minute forty seconds, Sakaki came to a ruin at the edge of the forest, made up of Doric and Ionic pillars in white marble, worn away from the wind and sun and the flying toasters, which used them to sharpen their toast for deadly aerial strikes on their sworn enemy, the crawling ovens. In this ruin there was little to see, but what took Sakaki's attention were two figures that were neither white, nor make of stone. They were, in fact, dressed in bright red-and-white suites that seemed much too big for their slender, figures. Not only that, but the faces were…

_Wait_, thought Sakaki as she came closer and began to stare at them, _aren't those…_

"We're standing… as still… as… waxworks!" came a noise out of the left figure, and just as suddenly made a sudden motion as to make a V with her hands, with the expectation that time suddenly stopped and the background changed to colors, like she was in some sort of nonrealistic anime where the physics worked like that. She had sort, black hair and was slightly shorter than the other figure was just now beginning to speak.

"Now you're not, idiot." this figure was taller than the other person (who Sakaki recognized as Tomo) and had glasses with were sometimes opaque and hair that was lower back length. She was Yomi, who Sakaki also knew, and was the friend or, rather more accurately put, the strait-person half in the comedy duo of Tomo and Yomi. "But anyway" said Yomi (in this case, though, we should call her Dee) in that some dry voice heavy with disdain aimed towards her incompetent partner. " And if you think we're waxworks, then obviously…" She thought for a while, trying to find a better word than her usual "then you ought to pay for the pleasure of looking" which didn't quite fit considering the circumstance, and instead came to "you can't understand movement or lack thereof."

"Hey," said Tomo (alias Dum) "Don't you usually say something more witty than that?"

"I do," replied Dee with that ever-present hint that she could turn into The Incredible Hulk at the slightest irritant. "When you don't move"

"Oh well. At least we're friends, right?"

There was a long pause. Sakaki was too confused about anything to do anything. Then Dee said, quietly and with much stress on the fact that their relationship was strained "Yes." There was another pause but it was shorter this time, because Sakaki wanted to diffuse the situation and had some questions of her own.

"Um, do you know where the Labyrinth is, by chance? I need to get there."

"Um…" pondered Dee

"Why are you asking us?" asked Dum, to which Dee responded emphatically

"Because we're the only one's here, you malodorous cretin!"

"Nu-uh!" parried Dum "The Red King's here"

"He. Is. Asleep." counter-struck Dee with finality.

"Who?" asked Sakaki.

"You're searching for a labyrinth, right?" asked Dee.

"Come on! We have to show everyone the Red King!" said Dum.

"Well, I don't know anything else, so I guess I could…" said Sakaki.

"Okay!" said Dum, who promptly ran through the other two, disorienting them, deeper into the ruins.

"Well, I guess. I can't imagine how this'll help you, but I guess being put into an existential quandary can build character. Follow me."

________________________________________________________________

Dee directed Sakaki into the ruins. In about One Minute and Sixteen Seconds (Dum was there, taking the head start into account, in merely Fifty-One Seconds) they reached a clearing in the ruins a little more eastward of where the entrance was, where most of it was taken up by a large, sleeping, and Red, form. This was, as Sakaki immediately noticed, The Father Cat she had seen earlier in a different variation. Not being all that ignorant that this experience of sorts was double- or triple-cast, Sakaki was not that surprised, but the crimson of the surreal feline was not the only facet that was odd. Also was the crown-like appendage on his head, but this only made her realize more hat he was the "Red King" that the dysfunctional friends had said, but just to be sure…

"Is this the Red King?" Sakaki asked.

"Yeah," said Dee, "Do want to know something interesting about him. Guess."

"Umm…" there was a pause.

"He dreams you reality!" interrupted Dum.

"Damn it, Dum-Dum!" yelled Dee as she preformed her panted move, the double-chop (guess how that works. (Like a karate chop but with two hands!) Damn it! You ruined it) "you ruined it. Now she will be relying on my information and not be able to think for herself!"

"Well, Kant says that we can't not think, for that creates a paradox, so what you say is incorrect!" This started a bit of a catfight among the Tweedles. Sakaki was a little disturbed with the fact that Dum blurted out then the fighting that was taking place, just had to ask.

"What happens when he wakes up?" Sakaki inquired. The Tweedles stopped and looked at her.

"Well," said Dee, matter-of-factly, "You cease to be."

This was the existential quandary foreshadowed earlier that Sakaki experienced. As expected of anyone of telling anything that could have disastrous consequences, but I may just be a worrier, which is why I'm called whiskers.

But anyway, Sakaki was not mentally paralyzed as she shot back. "Well, then, who are you?"

The Tweedles couldn't think of anything to say to this, and they too, entered a state of deep philosophical torment of the state of their reality, which is weird, because Kant would have disagreed of this and Dum appeared to know of his philosophy of transcendental idealism become empirical realism. They moaned of mental anguish, and fell to the floor whilst clutching their faces, which made Sakaki all the more disturbed, and promptly joined them, all in vast torment of the brain.

After about Thirty-One Seconds of this, they stopped, and slowly got up, but were still very much depressed. However Dum made a very good suggestion, one that was probably the best thing to come out of her mouth since her introduction, and the Author is very happy for her for doing so, as it also means another three more pages of funny prose to write with the purpose of amusing.

"Let's tell this traveler a story."

"Okay." said Dee, "Do you know about 'The Walrus and The Carpenter'?"

End notes: well, that's it for this chapter, but expect less time between chapters this time. I hope very much that you review this work, as it runs my creative juices like a nice moon made of spare ribs. Happy reading and reviewing!

Zalrus IX


	8. Tweedle, Part Two: the Disturbing Play

Miss Sakaki in Wonderland, Part Eight

Notes: I don't own anything :(.

They all went from The Red King's lair to congregate around a large clearing in the ruins, but not the one with The Red King in it ("The heavy breathing would have ruined the story" Dee had said, but then noticed that Dum was also skipping ahead in front of them, making enough noise all for herself, and then sighed her deep sigh.)

After precisely One Minute Twelve Seconds (for Dum, only Fifty-Nine Seconds sufficed for her over-exuberance.) they arrived at their destination. It was as predicted, as it looked exactly like the last clearing but with The Red King very gone, but that changed when Dee wend into the middle of the room, and, as if pulling a zipper from space, unbound the folds of reality and put a small stage, only about two meters tall, and only about half of it used for an actual stage. The rest of it was a sort of a stand so presumably the audience could see the goings-on of this meter-high proscenium.

"Okay." said Dee after al of this witchcraft and other such nonsense was done, "do you know your lines, Dum?"

"I think so!" said Dum. " In fact, I'll start! ' The moon was full and…'"

"No!" snapped Dee, and launched into a tirade. "Your lines are wrong, because they are my lines. You also didn't let me open the stage. I was just asking you if you were ready. Are you ready?"

There was a long pause, where Dum slowly turned her head back and forth and eventually said. "Maybe."

"Oh my God! Okay here" Dee produced a short script from northing and handed it to Dum. Read it over, and then we'll…"

Dum yanked the script from Dee's hands, looked at it for about Point Four Seconds, and then ripped up and ate the script. "Yes, Yummy!"

`"… Begin" moaned Dee from the depths of the hands that she thrust her face in for desperation. She then recovered and then said. "Yes, are you ready, audience?"

"Umm…" said Sakaki, really confused by this whole ordeal, but less so then her first foray into wonderland. "Okay."

"OK!" said Dum as she made elaborate hand gestures and succeeded in opening nothing. Dee, however just pulled the minuscule ropes on the stage and the curtain opened, and the sky seemed to dim. Sakaki sat down on a pillar that was so eroded that one could sit on it like a stump. This show of sorts began.

The stage depicted a seaside with moving water in the foreground. A small person walked on the stage, wearing a cross between a walrus costume and a tweed suit. He was not a skinny man, but a bit muscular. A mesomorph, if you will. There was a large Z in big black letters and had also on a tweed hat. Another figure came out, who had long, flowing locks and was a bit more slender. He was wearing carpentry gear and looked like somebody with that vocation.

"'The sun was shining on the sea, shining with all it's might. He did his very best to make the billows smooth and bright…'" began Dee in a dramatic tone, and was about to go on, but Dum cuffed her off with—

"… And this was very odd because it was the middle of the night!"

"I pity the fool!" yelled Dee as she gave Dum the hard love that would have made even the great Guy From The "A" Team Whose Name Escapes Me cry with passion (i.e. the Double Chop again).

There was a pause where everyone else looked at the two warring factions, but it subsided, and Dum continued, with a little more subdued voice. "'The Walrus and the Carpenter were walking close at hand. The wept like anything to see such quantities of sand."

"If this were only cleared away," said the Walrus man in tweed.

"It really would be grand," agreed the Carpenter man.

"Do you think that if seven maids with seven mops swept this for half a year…"

"No."

"Well, what do you want to do?"

"I don't know."

"The Walrus is hungry, I think that I want some seafood."

"Be there any sushi restaurants here."

"No!" said another voice. "But there are _egg_s." A figure dropped down from the stage, dressed in white. He was a funny-looking guy, whose hair stopped at the top of the head. Actually he looked most like that guy that played Jason in the movie _Dogville_. Yeah, that'd be the best description.

"何をしているなの！"yelled The Walrus, pulling out a katana from his person and holding it in a threatening stance.

"That's scary! I don't understand what you're saying!"

"Then tell me who you be?"

"Well, that's easy. I am the Eggman!" The Eggman pointed to his hat, which was indeed shaped like an egg.

"I see. Would you like to get some food?"

"Sure"

"I know what to get!" said The Carpenter. "We're on a beach. So let's trick some oysters and brutally slaughter them and eat them!"

The other two agreed and The Walrus shouted "Oh, oysters, come and walk with us; the day is warm and bright." Just then there was a loud burst of Japanese synth pop, and a man with an oyster mask on his face, and nothing but a loincloth with a single green leaf popped onto the stage. This happened seven more times, and whilst doing that they sang this complete with choreography matching the lyrics:

"O! Y! S! T E! R! S!

O! Y! S! T E! R! S!

It's so easy!

Happy-Go-Lucky!

We are the wa-ru-do!

We did it!

Hyu! Hyu! Hyu! Hyu! Osu! Osu! Osu! Osu!"

While this odd-and-so-similar-to-Happatai's-number-one-hit-"Yatta" musical number went on, The Three Other People In The Play sat there, thinking how to get them for their delicious innards. Suddenly, the Walrus took out his katana and began to slash at the floorboards. "I don't think I've ever checked this floorboard before." He said, and reached into the hole that he make with his sword and said excitedly "Oh, look! A gun!" He pulled out a small black handgun and examined it. "Is it loaded?" he inquired, putting it in his mouth and pulling the trigger. Nothing happened and he reached into the hole again. "Oh! Here are the bullets" he said, and loaded the gun and started shooting.

The carnage was so intense that all of those present, Dee, Dum, Sakaki, and even the actors therein closed their eyes. After the shooting stopped, they opened their eyes to see what had happened. All seven of the Oysters were on the floor with no blood, but still very dead. The Three Other People In The Play then said "And now we eat!" and the curtain closed to the sounds of munching on shellfish. Dee waved her hand again and the stage vanished into nothingness.

"What'd you think?" said Dum.

Sakaki was very deeply disturbed by this performance and asked very emotionally. "Who wrote this?"

"Umm…"

"I damned if I know" said Dee, "Well, you can go. I think that the Labyrinth that you seek is out of the forest, and across the checkered planes…" she was then cut short by Dum's Cry of Utter Despair. Both of them looked to see Dum cradling a rattle, one that was battered, like it had been stepped on.

"You!" screamed Dum. "You killed Mr. Rattle! Dee!" she said that last bit with a lot of time on the "Dee" part.

"Okay! This is ridiculous!" snapped Dee. " Why do you think it's me?"

"Only you would have! You and that fat ass you yours!"

This seemed to break a nerve in Dee's head (figuratively of course.), which Sakaki could have guessed, considering Yomi's Lack of Good Body Image. She then pointed at Sakaki, her eyes afire with rage.

"Wait! You must help us dress for battle!"

End notes: I hope you don't mind this rather long arc of the story, but I had to get this last part in. Review as always!


	9. Tweedle, Part Last: The Fight

Sakaki in Wonderland Chapter 9

"Umm…" said Sakaki uncertainly "I don't think this is a good Idea"

"Of course it is! This is the Best Idea Since Agriculture and Sliced Bread and the Giant Robot Anime Genre!" replied Dum with conviction. "Now but that colander on my head. Not that one! The Blue one, so it matches my armor! Have you any sense of fashion."

"Umm…"

Sakaki rummaged through the rubbish that the three of them found in the ruins, and found a blue colander and put it on Dum's head. This made her look less silly, but if the Colonel ever saw this ensemble of a large fur coat, many pots ad pans, and a blue colander on Dum, he would stop this story right then and there.

"Hey!" called Dee. "That's good enough for her, could you get me please?"

Sakaki sighed. She knew that she needed to get a move on, so that she could get out of what appeared to be a rehash of some drugged up pedophile's creepy story, but she also knew that the power of the Tweedles couldn't be underestimated, considering that they can make things appear suddenly. Also, she although she didn't much like violence, she didn't want them to beat themselves up without her, as she might be able make sure this ended up peacefully. Peacefully…

_Eureka!_

"Hey, hurry up!" yelled Dee impatiently.

"Coming!" Sakaki then came to Dee's aid and dressed her up in similar hilarity. After both of the Tweedles were dressed up in their silly costumes, they then began the task of arming themselves. Because there were no real weapons in the area (and the Tweedles couldn't seem to summon them.) they had do improvise: Dee found a rather good coat-stand, and Dum brandished a very wicked pair of candelabras tied together with rope, making Candelabra-Chucks. They were then ready for battle…

…If they could only find a place to do so. Sakaki wanted to not have them fight in the ruins, as that might awake The Red King and might set to motion her nonexistence. Instead, she opted to have the fight in The Green-and-Yellow-Checker-Boarded-Field outside of the forest. The Tweedles agreed and they set out to the plains. Sakaki further suggested that they start this battle with a charge from the opposite of one of the two of the many rolling hills in this particular stretch of Green-and-Yellow-ery.

"Why's that?" asked Dee

"Umm…" Sakaki thought. The real reason is so they would tire themselves out and not kill each other, and then she can possible make a run for it to the labyrinth, which she actually could sort of see in the distance, but she needed a cover up, which she found. "Because it will be… Stronger."

"Stronger?"

"Yes."

"Works for me!" said Dum cheerfully.

"Okay, I guess." said Dee noncommittally.

"So we begin!"

The two of them situated themselves between the two hills, with Sakaki cleverly placed on the one near the Labyrinth, and Sakaki said in a megaphone that she found in the rubbish. "Okay, on my mark. You will begin. Now!"

They started off with surprising speed Dee wielding her impromptu quarterstaff with deft ferocity, twirling it rather unnecessarily, and Dum making a whirlwind of Candelabra-Chucks around her body. They actually made excellent time down and across the planes. In fact, they made such good time, that they were upon each other in no time, to Sakaki's distress.

There, at the bottom of the hill, The Real Battle began. It started off with Dum Spinning her C-Cs and jumping at Dee, but it was parried with a swift jab of the Coat-Stand from Dee, which made Dum fly in the air and land with a dull thud on the ground. Dum, however, got up and this time ducked under Dee's strikes and went under her legs and attempted to hit her in the back, but Dee parried it with a very deft swinging motion. This went on for a bit, with no Tweedle getting the better of the other, when there was a loud sound, like that of steam coming from a teapot. Both of the, looked to the forest. There, many quadrupedal ovens came out, their tiger feet bristling with metallic spikes, their oven-mouths spewing gouts of flame. It was rather terrifying, and was made worse because there were about two-dozen of them. What also didn't help matters is that they started to charge into the plains. Yeah, all three of those people were goners.

However, Right then, there was a faint sound of music playing in the background, and it sounded like these lyrics:

_Flying out of the sun_

_The smell of toast is in the air_

_When there's a job to be done_

_The flying toasters will be there_

_And it's Flap! Flap! Flap!_

_Now help is on the way_

_The victory song they sing_

_We pop up to save the day_

_On mighty toaster wings!_

Yes, the Flying Toasters from two chapters ago were here, and they meant business! Crispy, buttery business! In well-choreographed squadrons, they made an air strike on the charging Ovens (which are called Tiger-Ovens by the way). As they came close to their targets, they made a barrel roll, and dropped their payload of toast. Sharp toast. The Tiger-Ovens, therefore, had no chance of surviving. They did attempt to fight back, with their flame-breath, but it was to no avail: the Flying Toasters had clearly won. After half of the Tiger-Ovens had keeled over in lacerations caused by the sharp toast, they ran back into the forest for whence they came.

The Flying Toasters, however then went after Sakaki. Thinking the worst, Sakaki decided to run away from them. They were, unfortunately too fast for her, but fortunately they didn't mean to dish out to her sharp, toasty death. Instead they made a platform for her to go on. She hesitated at first, but eventually went on and the toaster took off, toward the Labyrinth, and to her destiny.

"Oh, damn. She got away," said Dee, in a tone that might have seemed indifferent except for the fact that she was out of breath and covered with bruises caused by blunt brass objects. She looked towards the sky where the aerial toasters had taken Sakaki.

"Yeah, but it doesn't matter." said Dum cheerfully, though she was similarly scarred.

"Oh, does it?" said another voice, in a dry British accent that seemed to droop like the speaker was tired.

Suddenly a man appeared in front of them. He was wearing a covering over his head that looked like the panted Father-cap, with that familiar feline head covering the top half of this man's face. The man underneath wasn't very distinctive, but it wasn't Mr. Kimura, to be sure. He was also wearing a long black cape and high black boots, so nobody could really see what he was wearing underneath. Seeing the man, the Tweedles bowed down and said in unison. "The Dream King!" and made deep bows

"We're, like, really sorry!" apologized Dum

"Yeah, Tweedle matters got in the way." also apologized Dee

"Well, that's okay. I have other, more competent people to take care of her. Like the Queen of Hearts. I doubt that she'll ever beat her. But I must go, I'm already twenty minutes late for a party."

"Oh, a party!" said Dum excitedly "where is it? Can I go?"

"Shut up!" snapped Dee in a whisper. "Do you want to suffer a death worse than fate?"

"No." said the man. "It's in space, Dum." And with that, he vanished in a puff of black smoke.

End Notes: OMG plot twist! If you know who this person is, I don't really care if you know or say so. Anyway, yeah, review, but I will tell you don't expect another update in a while. I didn't mean to spoil you with the quick updates, but just so you know, this next leg of the journey will take longer to write. Review!


	10. The Exposition to the Finality

Miss Sakaki in Wonderland, Chapter 10

Author's Notes: Zalrus IX doesn't own anything he says, and shouldn't take anything for granite or canon. There, I've said it. Anyway, on to the story we go. Yeah. This might be also where things stop being retellings in any sense, which people may or may not be okay.

It took a little bit, but eventually the flying toasters set down in the front of the Labyrinth. The trip was rather awkward for Sakaki, because she had to stand up on the toaster while they were flying. It was like standing on a cloud, but instead of a cloud, it was many flying toasters, you see. She was quite winded, too because the toasters flew rather fast as well, but that was okay, as she was off, and was better off for it.

Sakaki looked around. She was standing in front of the Labyrinth, all right. A great green one, with very high walls make up of what was either foliage or stone covered with foliage, she didn't know. It was quite big, as she couldn't see at this point where this Labyrinth ended or even where the rest of the field that she saw on the way there was. This was a huge Labyrinth.

She went to the entrance of this Labyrinth, when she heard a voice from behind her.

"Hey, aren't you going to thank me? I made all of this happen, you know."

Sakaki turned around. There, floating at an elevation very close to that of her own head was the noggin of one Cheshire Cat, or of those who got in, that of the Kamineko. He did sound different, however, in that his voice was that of Jack Nicholson's, which was rather disconcerting.

"Hello." Sakaki meekly muttered.

"Yeah. I have a bunch of flying toasters take you to get to the Queen of Hearts so you can return home, and you don't thank me. No "thank you"s make Kamineko go crazy!" With that last bit the Cat's eyes sort of glinted.

"I'm sorry."

"Well, that's okay. Just remember, though. There are a lot of people who will help you. Like the White Knight and I, we're cool. But there are those that'll hinder you, get the picture."

"What?"

"Well, obviously there are people that want you trapped in this world forever."

"Why?" Sakaki was scared. Why would people want to hinder her from getting home? Was this a dream?

"Well, I can see you're very stressed, so just relax, okay? The reason people want to stop you is because, as you may or may not know, you're dreaming."

"What?"

"Oh, come on. You didn't notice the fact that the stuff that happened to you couldn't happen in reality, and that the people you know act sort of differently in a whimsical way?"

"Well…"

"Yeah, this is a dream, but your insecurities, The Queen of Hearts, have taken a hold of your dreamscape, and you're now a prisoner inside it!"

"Okay, but what do I do."

"What do you do?" The Cat's eye's glinted again and started to disappear again, first with the ears, and then with the nose, till there was nothing left but the nightmare vision of just the white eyes and toothy maw. "Well, I'd watch my back if I were you. Those Tweedles, were trying not to raise suspicions, and were also idiots. There are others that may try to kill you. I'd not let this happen, as, if you seen the Matrix, you'd know that you'd die in the real world as well." His eyes disappeared and only his grin was left, and it said. "What the hell are you doing! Hurry up to the Labyrinth!"

Sakaki knew that if disembodied lips of a cat that sounds all too much like that of Jack Nicholson tells you to do something, you'd best do it, and that is what she did. Not long after all of the Cheshire Cat disappeared, she was opening the large door that led to the Labyrinth. It was a tiring affair, as the door was made out of something not unlike something that couldn't be moved easily, but eventually she prevailed, once again showing the superiority of humans over machines. She then entered the Labyrinth. Sakaki gasped.

The Labyrinth was very much bigger than it was when she looked at it from the outside, but Sakaki wasn't gasping about that. She also wasn't gasping at the fact that the walls were about ten meters high, and the hallways were about five meters wide, and was all around not at all gray and green as it looked like on the outside, but white, with a cleanly cut grass floor and with many hearts on the walls and also some spades and clubs and diamonds. No, she wasn't gasping at any of those. She was instead gasping at those card guards that had taken the Mad Hatter, with their, her, faces all facing her. She knew she was in some fix.


End file.
